Tuesday, January 15, 2013

BIG CHANGES

I did not write about it... It has been the most horrible experience in my whole life. All this time I've been waiting to wake up from what became a real life nightmare. My 5 year old daughter died in October 22, 2012. Life stopped. My world crumbled down. Nothing else mattered. As I realized the imminent truth, my heart broke beyond repair... These past weeks have been a long walk through a dessert of starless nights and cold fog... Everything that was certain faded away.

I thought I would be ready for that... but I wasn't. I expected to have my Deirdre for at least 10 years. I expected to see her K graduation... and to watch her amaze people with all her skills... I expected to race behind her as she enjoyed her powered wheelchair... I expected to enjoy her eyes as they would have been so big while meeting Pocahontas and Mulan at her Make a Wish tour... which did not get to happen...

This has been a big hit on me... on my small family. We feel grief that cannot be lifted, and although we are trying our best to move on... it is there... and we know it will always be there until we all get together again.

We moved from NJ to PR to bury her, and to seek shelter in our families... Things did not went as planned... And although we hated doing it, we decided to move to Florida. Right now we are in Wesley Chapel, thanks to the extreme kindness of a dear friend and her family. We cannot begin to express our gratitude... We needed to at least surround ourselves with a positive environment.

So... Wesley Chapel, FL has become our HQ for a new beginning. I am job hunting, and hopefully will get to start earning experience within the Education area.  I want to start as instructional assistant for exceptional students (special needs now get that codename... which makes me happy, as they are truly exceptional). I hope to apply all that I learned through Deedee... during her home-bound education, as her personal assistive tech professional, as her therapist, as her caregiver, and as her mom. And once me & my hubby secure the simple jobs we will hunt down for a lair to raise our 2 year old cub... Hopefully the plan will have results soon. I don't want to abuse the kindness of our hosts.

I also will start over with the MET-SLMS (which I had quitted in October). I hope to get a provisional teaching certificate, a librarian certification in a year, complete the Master in Education Technologies and then the Doctorate in Distance Learning for Special Ed kids (focused on home-bound).

Everything that happens has a purpose... I just keep on being angry at the fact that Dee is not here... and she had so many possibilities... That is selfish me talking. She was not in deep pain, she was soaring... and a cure is so near... I am angry at the fact she did not get that chance to be there to try treatments or cure. I am angry at the people that did not see her as she truly was... because they chose not to. I know she is
 free of everything now, and doing important things, and smiling and being happy... I just wish for her because I miss her so much, and it is all just plain unfair... I don't understand... But it all is what it is... I can only hope that we all keep living based on the standards we developed thanks to my beloved Dee... and that she walks at our side as our guardian angel... and smiles.

This year, 2013... is a year or renewal... of fulfilling promises... of believing in angels.


Monday, May 28, 2012

The Librarian Project: Phase 1

Ok, so just when I thought that things would not align themselves to what I wanted to do... I got a letter that says I am officially matriculated on the Master in Education Technology, Librarian mayor. Yay?
Well, I still won't scream yay. I need to go to the financial office to see if I can get student loans for this project... that will begin in Fall, online. Somehow I will try to apply for a scholarship and pray I get accepted for next year. I trust that if I am to follow this path, that things will fall into place. Fingers crossed, and armor on ready for battle!

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Almost a year in review

Just checking up my blogs I noticed that my actual blog about me has not been updated since almost a year! Why could this happen? Well, it is not for lack of passion or for lack of things to blog about... Blame it all on time constraints and the extra factors of having a special needs child, a rambuntious toddler, a crazy hobby, and a thousand and one adventures/projects/research/trials/explorations.

These are the main things from what has been going on:
  • My big girl went to camp from July to August 2011. Translation: For 6 weeks her nurse and me made sure that she was part of an amazing art/history experience doing lots of stuff that she didn't even dream possible. We witnessed the first time another kid her age hold her hand. We witnessed tantrums because she wanted to sleep with the other kids and she couldn't because of her own safety. We witnessed her first taste of being on stage (and loving it). It was a very intense thing as she had classes in the morning then we had to go to the museum and be there for 3 hours... but totally worth it
  • I took a term break from WGU in October. I am not in for setting myself to failure, and time became a precious rare thing. My big girl needs plenty of time, as I need to configure and keep up her communication screens, make sure she can use the adaptive technology available for her, and take time to read to her and find new themes and things to expand her interests. Add to that the nurses taking time off without letting us know, and the agencies not filling the slots which means days without the service and chaos for us. Add taking care of the little girl and her overpowering self... I had to decide what was more important and right now my presence and attention for both of them is much needed. So, I expected to return to keep on with the IT degree on January... 
  • My big girl spent a week at the hospital for New Years Eve. Stress levels go high under those circunstances, and so the beginning of the year was quite hectic... Upon returning from the hospital she kept on being sick for two more weeks. This translate to us doing treatments every 4 hours... no rest for the wicked! January and Febrary were really bad months.
  • March came in with a positive bang. Many hours spent on research, honing letters of medical necessity, trying to get trial for power wheelchair, trying to get trial for therapy devices and for specific therapies... IEP dissagreement and meetings... Medical appointments... On the positive side, my big girl was approved a right for Make A Wish! And she also won an iPad! She trialed a Permobile wheelchair, and will soon trial a new stander too.
  • April has been hectic, but things are falling into place. Coordinating services, following up on all things from my big girl's services and needs... And I had an epiphany and finally discovered what I want to do for the rest of my career life... I guess I'll surprise everyone who doesn't know me from grammar school saying I want to become a school library media specialist. Go ahead, do the group "What!" together. 
Well... let's go back to my wonder years... Back then, everything in my life was about three things: studying, being in the chapel, and being at the library. I was a library helper/volunteer. You would never find me anywhere but hiding behind lots and lots of books... religious and of fiction. I loved Joane of Arc, as well as greek mythology and reading about the temple of Set. I knew where everything was, and I helped mend books as well. I decorated, I recommended... Being a bookworm takes a whole new meaning. This did not change in high school, or college. I love books, to this day studying is my hobby. I respect books, physical or digital. And I find that libraries are the perfect gates to alternate worlds.

I stumbled into options and found that being a media specialist I would put to use my computer skills, my help desk skills, and my creative skills. And I had an enligtment: I will also have fun doing it. I find this exciting and rewarding. I would not feel like I was doing a chore. I would not feel obliged but quite eager to actually wake up and perform my duty. I would have a established time to work, which would make plenty of sense when you look at my daily agenda... The whole thing is a perfect fit that relates to my reality of caregiver, mother, and professional. This is it. After this there is no turning back. This is the mid-life career change that will bookmark the time and place where things change even more. My big girl reached my psyche and brought me peace: You must do what makes you happy... period. She teaches that lesson to everyone around her, everyday. It is the only way to actually target living life to the fullest and without regrets. The big bucks may not be there... but real happiness comes from within. We already have what we need. Everything else is a plus. Above all... happiness is priceless.

I am to persue my happiness and forget the big buck dream. I can't do that at the expense of not knowing my kids and pushing family aside... If I were to persue that, then I have not learned my lesson at all!

And so the new era begins... I will do a Summer bootcamp to comply with some requisites to enter the graduate school. In Fall, I should go ahead and get in depth into the graduate program. Graduate... sounds more like it. And maybe after that I could get into my ultimate doctorate dreams about distance learning. Baby steps... for now.

Engage!    

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I am certified as Database Design Specialist!

I took the test for the CIW DB Design Specialist and of course I passed. Another one under my belt.

I hope all these certifications get me somewhere... It is frustrating knowing you are good at something and having to prove it this way... The years of experience should suffice, but when you are female and from an island I guess no one wants to believe it... Well, here's your proof. Now, hire me!

Friday, May 20, 2011

I am A+ Certified!

I took the A+ Practical test this week, and I nailed it! So now I have the A+ Certification, a little paper that will prove that I do have 13 years of experience being a PC technician. The main perk includes not having to describe every detail of what I can do as a technician since it is obvious you must know them to be certified.

Next: CIW Database Specialist (June), followed by Cisco's CCNA (July).

Let's see if that plan comes together. Now, to complete a web design internship project and to keep on with the hunt for a permanent job.

Monday, April 11, 2011

BIRTHDAY

This past weekend was my Birthday (actually on Friday). It is incredible how life has taken me in a flight that seems non-stop, and reaching warp speed. I cannot believe that I am 38 years old. I do not say it in a bad way, it just seems surreal. My mind and overall attitude feels as if I were still in college... I guess that my spirit is stuck there, and so it has the energy that my body may lack!

I have changed very little in terms of outlook, what I want, what I love to do, what I hate... I am still very opinionated, and I have strong feelings for everything I believe in. I still feel that society should be mourned, as it keeps evolving in negative ways... but I do keep the endless hope that I fueled when I belonged to the Missionary Works club, and I do believe that good people are still somewhere out there (mostly because God slapped me with a big lesson about that chapter in the Book of Life).

I was raised with strong values and beliefs, so I have a natural sense of right and wrong. I was lucky enough to attend a private school that nurtured a free mind. Although I am Roman-catholic, I was taught about all religions so I know they all deserve respect. All religions have some truth and something beautiful that you can apply to your life. There is always a main core, the Golden Rule, and being good and the best you can be... I don't see why people do not go do their research and find answers in the simple truths and become believers in the common practice of being good... Common sense... a lost virtue.

I was taught that I should always do my research, so I can back up my answers... or my opinions. I was taught to know the difference between truth and meaning well... I was taught the difference between what you should do as a friend, and what you should do as a job team member. I can be your friend, but I won't do your job. I can be supportive, but I won't lie. I can understand your actions, but I don't foster or applaud not doing the right thing.

I went on to college, keeping my highest ideals and beliefs. I applied to myself the same high standards that I expected of everyone around me, at home or at work. I never cheated for a test. I always did my projects by myself. I did all my programming for my Computer classes on my own, and I never took no ones case for my beloved Marketing classes. I created my own vision in my Art classes. I speak up when no one would. I recall that I always wondered why the Science Fiction club never gathered in the college's Planetarium... everyone told me that the college never loaned it for clubs as simple as that... I said I would achieve that... And to the astonishment of the guys from the Physics department, I did. It did not matter that I was not even a science mayor, in fact I belonged to Business Administration... but the way I asked the physics professor and the way I backed all the reasons why apparently made all sense in the world. That, and the fact that I irradiated trust. And to this day, I do.

I graduated from Business disliking business. The truth is my passion lies in Plastic Arts, specifically Painting. I wanted to link my Painting with Marketing but after a showdown with the last Marketing course that I took just because I could, I decided to just graduate with my mayor without including the Marketing seminar... I regret that decision to this date. Why? Since my bachellor degree is in Computers people think I know nothing of Marketing, even if I show my skills. That has been the story of my life... I should have finished that seminar... Better yet, I should have changed my complete degree and hop to the Plastic Arts degree... But I knew that job security at the time was within Computers. In my homeland there is no respect for Art, in fact, if you study Arts people think you flunked everything else. And that was my reason to study Computers... I hoped to link it with arts trough Graphic Arts or Game design or the like... Life threw me in a different direction.

All my jobs have been within computers... I worked in HP while finishing college, and then at the IT department of a manufacturer, and then at the IT department of a government agency. A great job. A stable job with decent pay. As a professor told me once, I was one of the lucky few of my class that actually worked within what they studied. He reinforced how happy and proud he was of me... That's good. But as years passed by I got plenty of experience in this area I disliked so much... The artist within me drowned, and the techie had to bring home the bacon... Still, I would do projects for free, decorations of activities at work or for friends, paintings, murals... I always gave my art for free and I loved every second of it.

While I spend days working I kept looking for a career change... but that became a daunting idea... Adulthood means paying for everything. I simply could not accept a job that would make me happy because they would not pay. In my hometown, any other IT person would have killed for my job. I really thought that I would be there for 30 years, after all... nothing else could create a mayor change, right? I finished an MBA studying at nights, and debated whether to go for the PhD or study something else... four years passed while I debated... Through all this time I kept on using my spare time to paint, decorate, write, play Ravenloft or Spelljammer. Love found me and I got married. Marrieage should be a big change in life, but things were calm and mellow and looked perfect. Life threw a big challenge to spice things up...

Deirdre was born. My husband and I were happy and enjoyed her... And all of a sudden she landed in the hospital with a respiratory arrest. Deedee was four months old. The doctors suspected SMA and gave her hours to live. In our homeland that would have become the reality, and we were thrown two choices: Stay and face death, or take a big leap of faith and move to the US Mainland and give our baby a chance. It was all uncertain, but we decided to believe there was hope and we got a firm grasp on it. We left everything behind. Life as we knew it ended. Life as I knew it ended.

In the spaceship I call my life things move zooming in and out... Three years ago I got a big taste of what despair is, and I also got a big lesson about people, about life, about God. In the middle of madness, God held us all and allowed for the right doors and the right windows to show us miracles. Through the miracles we kept on fighting and getting stronger. I spent so many months in the hospital that I decided to study just to give my mind and my feelings a break. And so I completed a Web Design diploma. That was hard, that was insane many times as my priority is always Deedee but I am also responsible... Somehow the art classes comforted me, strengthened me. I reinforced the fact that I love painting, I love Graphic Arts, I love Motion Design, and Web Design is a way to mix all computer expertise and art creativity. That path seems simple enough... At least through all the chaos I had a focus in terms of what I wanted to do with my life...

After I finished that, and after things at home settled down and my girl became more stable so she did not live at the hospital, I looked for work. The wrong economy, the wrong location, the wrong everything. Now I faced a land where I needed certifications for everything, and where the job market is beyond saturated. Everyone is expendable and there is always someone willing to do the same job for peanuts. Experience and expertise is overrated... The irony of it all is that back at home my job was still waiting for me. My job was waiting for two years. I feel proud of that. And I knew that was because I did a good job, plus a bit more. The people got to experience the lack of my being there, and there was a big difference. I always solved problems when they happened, right away. And I solved them so they would not re-occur. I made sure all things were fine and up to date. I did projects beyond what I had to. I got involved in areas that had nothing to do with my main job, but that mattered. Sadly, I had to resign to that job... it was obvious I could not go back as the life of my girl would be endangered... I also acknowledged one fact: I was supposed to be there for those 10 years. It prepared me to do the right moves for my daughter... it gave me the knowledge and the right people... There is no coincidence. We are placed where we are supposed to be, and we are meant to grow.

After all this I decided to solve the immediate problem of not being certified. I evaluated my options and decided revamping my computer skills was the way to go... I need to do what I don't like to get to what I like. Is that simple. So now I am in college again, getting certified... so later on I can keep on chasing my dreams.

Maybe that's why I don't feel I am 38 years old... I view studying as a hobby, and there is a sense of continuity that won't make me stop. The irony of it all is that I had to loose everything to gain some wisdom about my life. Now I appreciate every simple rose that blooms, every time that my beloved Deedee opens her eyes, and even every time that her sister screams making baby demands. I have experienced what a family is supposed to be, what friendship is, and how many gifts we take for granted. Although I have made myself all my life, and I am proud of it, I am better because of the way that Deedee chiseled me. She changed everything for the best. In her terrible situation she brings the best in life. Isn't it ironic?

So I am older now. I don't look so old. I am the same kid that went door to door in the countryside giving bookmarks with statements from "The Little Prince". I am the same kid that wanted to become a nun. I keep the innocence and the wonder. I paint, I trust, I believe, I expect, I demand, I understand, I look for... And I dance... Love surrounds me. God has been very generous. Deedee, Kali, Mark, family and friends are in my heart. Life is good.

Happy birthday to me!

~

Friday, March 18, 2011

A+ Theorical Test Passed

After 3 weeks of endless studying the effort payed off. I went to take the A+ Theorical test today and passed. Yay! Now I must wait for the beginning of April to go and take the A+ Practical test, so it all is completed. I will complete some labs to keep me in tune with the newest details that I learned. It all actually has become useful around here. I revived my old laptop, and the wireless network connecting everyone here is cool.

For April I should target the A+ practical course, Network+, OS and DB systems. It should all be a recap on what I already know. Still, it takes time since I like reading the whole book before doing anything for the classes. I need to try giving the extra mile, as I need to get this whole thing finished by next March 2012. It has been difficult, but this must be done. I hope that somehow I can try some freelance projects in the meanwhile, to keep my webdesign and my creative juices flowing.