This past weekend was my Birthday (actually on Friday). It is incredible how life has taken me in a flight that seems non-stop, and reaching warp speed. I cannot believe that I am 38 years old. I do not say it in a bad way, it just seems surreal. My mind and overall attitude feels as if I were still in college... I guess that my spirit is stuck there, and so it has the energy that my body may lack!
I have changed very little in terms of outlook, what I want, what I love to do, what I hate... I am still very opinionated, and I have strong feelings for everything I believe in. I still feel that society should be mourned, as it keeps evolving in negative ways... but I do keep the endless hope that I fueled when I belonged to the Missionary Works club, and I do believe that good people are still somewhere out there (mostly because God slapped me with a big lesson about that chapter in the Book of Life).
I was raised with strong values and beliefs, so I have a natural sense of right and wrong. I was lucky enough to attend a private school that nurtured a free mind. Although I am Roman-catholic, I was taught about all religions so I know they all deserve respect. All religions have some truth and something beautiful that you can apply to your life. There is always a main core, the Golden Rule, and being good and the best you can be... I don't see why people do not go do their research and find answers in the simple truths and become believers in the common practice of being good... Common sense... a lost virtue.
I was taught that I should always do my research, so I can back up my answers... or my opinions. I was taught to know the difference between truth and meaning well... I was taught the difference between what you should do as a friend, and what you should do as a job team member. I can be your friend, but I won't do your job. I can be supportive, but I won't lie. I can understand your actions, but I don't foster or applaud not doing the right thing.
I went on to college, keeping my highest ideals and beliefs. I applied to myself the same high standards that I expected of everyone around me, at home or at work. I never cheated for a test. I always did my projects by myself. I did all my programming for my Computer classes on my own, and I never took no ones case for my beloved Marketing classes. I created my own vision in my Art classes. I speak up when no one would. I recall that I always wondered why the Science Fiction club never gathered in the college's Planetarium... everyone told me that the college never loaned it for clubs as simple as that... I said I would achieve that... And to the astonishment of the guys from the Physics department, I did. It did not matter that I was not even a science mayor, in fact I belonged to Business Administration... but the way I asked the physics professor and the way I backed all the reasons why apparently made all sense in the world. That, and the fact that I irradiated trust. And to this day, I do.
I graduated from Business disliking business. The truth is my passion lies in Plastic Arts, specifically Painting. I wanted to link my Painting with Marketing but after a showdown with the last Marketing course that I took just because I could, I decided to just graduate with my mayor without including the Marketing seminar... I regret that decision to this date. Why? Since my bachellor degree is in Computers people think I know nothing of Marketing, even if I show my skills. That has been the story of my life... I should have finished that seminar... Better yet, I should have changed my complete degree and hop to the Plastic Arts degree... But I knew that job security at the time was within Computers. In my homeland there is no respect for Art, in fact, if you study Arts people think you flunked everything else. And that was my reason to study Computers... I hoped to link it with arts trough Graphic Arts or Game design or the like... Life threw me in a different direction.
All my jobs have been within computers... I worked in HP while finishing college, and then at the IT department of a manufacturer, and then at the IT department of a government agency. A great job. A stable job with decent pay. As a professor told me once, I was one of the lucky few of my class that actually worked within what they studied. He reinforced how happy and proud he was of me... That's good. But as years passed by I got plenty of experience in this area I disliked so much... The artist within me drowned, and the techie had to bring home the bacon... Still, I would do projects for free, decorations of activities at work or for friends, paintings, murals... I always gave my art for free and I loved every second of it.
While I spend days working I kept looking for a career change... but that became a daunting idea... Adulthood means paying for everything. I simply could not accept a job that would make me happy because they would not pay. In my hometown, any other IT person would have killed for my job. I really thought that I would be there for 30 years, after all... nothing else could create a mayor change, right? I finished an MBA studying at nights, and debated whether to go for the PhD or study something else... four years passed while I debated... Through all this time I kept on using my spare time to paint, decorate, write, play Ravenloft or Spelljammer. Love found me and I got married. Marrieage should be a big change in life, but things were calm and mellow and looked perfect. Life threw a big challenge to spice things up...
Deirdre was born. My husband and I were happy and enjoyed her... And all of a sudden she landed in the hospital with a respiratory arrest. Deedee was four months old. The doctors suspected SMA and gave her hours to live. In our homeland that would have become the reality, and we were thrown two choices: Stay and face death, or take a big leap of faith and move to the US Mainland and give our baby a chance. It was all uncertain, but we decided to believe there was hope and we got a firm grasp on it. We left everything behind. Life as we knew it ended. Life as I knew it ended.
In the spaceship I call my life things move zooming in and out... Three years ago I got a big taste of what despair is, and I also got a big lesson about people, about life, about God. In the middle of madness, God held us all and allowed for the right doors and the right windows to show us miracles. Through the miracles we kept on fighting and getting stronger. I spent so many months in the hospital that I decided to study just to give my mind and my feelings a break. And so I completed a Web Design diploma. That was hard, that was insane many times as my priority is always Deedee but I am also responsible... Somehow the art classes comforted me, strengthened me. I reinforced the fact that I love painting, I love Graphic Arts, I love Motion Design, and Web Design is a way to mix all computer expertise and art creativity. That path seems simple enough... At least through all the chaos I had a focus in terms of what I wanted to do with my life...
After I finished that, and after things at home settled down and my girl became more stable so she did not live at the hospital, I looked for work. The wrong economy, the wrong location, the wrong everything. Now I faced a land where I needed certifications for everything, and where the job market is beyond saturated. Everyone is expendable and there is always someone willing to do the same job for peanuts. Experience and expertise is overrated... The irony of it all is that back at home my job was still waiting for me. My job was waiting for two years. I feel proud of that. And I knew that was because I did a good job, plus a bit more. The people got to experience the lack of my being there, and there was a big difference. I always solved problems when they happened, right away. And I solved them so they would not re-occur. I made sure all things were fine and up to date. I did projects beyond what I had to. I got involved in areas that had nothing to do with my main job, but that mattered. Sadly, I had to resign to that job... it was obvious I could not go back as the life of my girl would be endangered... I also acknowledged one fact: I was supposed to be there for those 10 years. It prepared me to do the right moves for my daughter... it gave me the knowledge and the right people... There is no coincidence. We are placed where we are supposed to be, and we are meant to grow.
After all this I decided to solve the immediate problem of not being certified. I evaluated my options and decided revamping my computer skills was the way to go... I need to do what I don't like to get to what I like. Is that simple. So now I am in college again, getting certified... so later on I can keep on chasing my dreams.
Maybe that's why I don't feel I am 38 years old... I view studying as a hobby, and there is a sense of continuity that won't make me stop. The irony of it all is that I had to loose everything to gain some wisdom about my life. Now I appreciate every simple rose that blooms, every time that my beloved Deedee opens her eyes, and even every time that her sister screams making baby demands. I have experienced what a family is supposed to be, what friendship is, and how many gifts we take for granted. Although I have made myself all my life, and I am proud of it, I am better because of the way that Deedee chiseled me. She changed everything for the best. In her terrible situation she brings the best in life. Isn't it ironic?
So I am older now. I don't look so old. I am the same kid that went door to door in the countryside giving bookmarks with statements from "The Little Prince". I am the same kid that wanted to become a nun. I keep the innocence and the wonder. I paint, I trust, I believe, I expect, I demand, I understand, I look for... And I dance... Love surrounds me. God has been very generous. Deedee, Kali, Mark, family and friends are in my heart. Life is good.
Happy birthday to me!
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