My best friend died. Let those words sink into your thick skull. Not someone I casually knew. Not someone who would just like my posts. Not someone who would just smile at me at work but in reality know nothing of my life. Not so-called family that just mean well but has no depths of insight or understanding about what I want in life. My best friend died.
It's been years since I have actually updated my blogs or any online presence, because all I do is work. Work, work, work. I don't have lots of friends. I am very choosy, fickle and selective before I call someone like that. And then some. Life has shown me that no matter the years, people do not value childhood oaths. Yes, the Code of Thundera: Justice, Truth, Honor and Loyalty. and for whoever doesn't know:
It is the duty of the ThunderCats to uphold the code of Thundera.
1. Truth: To speak the truth at all times
2. Loyalty: To be loyal to family and friends
3. Honor: To honor and respect superiors
4. Justice: To strive to help others and fairness in all acts that are committed that is good
I was in 7th grade when I started collecting comics. The life lessons of the Xmen, The Justice League, GIJoe, Mazinger, Thundercats and Candy candy shaped my so called view of what is a friend, what is important in life (not quite what Conan said), and what it means to really live. The Code of Thundera for some reason had the right resonnance in my mind and in my heart. It sums up all rug of love. So it is my code. I had best friends, not knowing the deep meaning of what that implied... Well, more like they did not want to comply with the meaning of the code. Through the years, fickle whims made them all drift away. Of course I thought it was me, being that I was always blunt and hot headed and stubborn in my ways. No. Years later, I look back at who I was back in high school and college, and one thing is very certain: i was always true to myself. I loved without boundaries, and I was loyal beyond the end. People just could not handle truth. They handle anything but the truth. That has been my life lesson... good intentions but no willingness to handle the truth and live with honor, justice and loyalty.
Someone that you dare to call a friend should be someone who is there through the good, the bad and the ugly. There will be fights that mimic the wrath of the gods. But there will be adventure and conquest. There will be times of extreme darkness, then there will be moments where the ring that rules them all gets destroyed and dear old giant eagles save the hobbits. A friend will not let a petty quarrel or difference of opinion stray away years of caring and shared experiences. A friend will know when opinions are just wounded pride, and will come up to you, just give you a hug (or give you a small Totoro figurine without saying anything else) and let the story go on...
We all know many people. Not everyone deserves the high honor of being a friend. A friend is forever.
I always come back to my favorite book, The Little Prince. You are responsible for what you have tamed. Forever. No matter what. Through hellfire and icy storms. Throughout the planes of existence. No matter what. Yes, the Code of Thundera is everywhere and is very real.
In 11th grade my life changed forever just because of a small detail that would be a high drive just for keeping a breath of life. It was then that I joined a group of adventurers and I learned the ropes of Advanced Dungeons & Dragons, 2nd edition. The game that forged real life unions that went beyond fantasy and became epic realities. It was during those games that the most important people in my life came to me. There I met who would many, many, many years later (many as on 20 years later) would become my husband Mark. It was there where I met my twin soulmate Alex. And it was there that I met my partner in crime, my rock, my familiar... Steve. These three are the creme of the creme, the ones I would die for without flinching or thinking twice. They all follow the Code of Thundera. They all know who I am, and like it. They have known truth from my mouth, have been burned by it, they have known my naivete and endless hope... And they saw beauty on it. These three are my rocks. These three are my life. These three make me look forward to the unknown adventures that lay ahead.
Steve. A kind soul wrapped up as a hulking nightmare. Sometimes his mind too blurred by anger and stubborness... I always viewed him as Hulk. Always battling his inner monster. Always showing the most unexpected kindness just because. Loved by cats and kids. Always searching for something... that he had all along. His illness took his bocy little by little, but not his soul. In spite of it all, he actually turned better. Instead of sulking, he chose to be his best and help everyone who needed help. Selfless, always putting himself, his inconveniences, his discomfort and his pains last. People and so called friends/acquaintances would keep hurting him with their lack of empathy or lack of presence or lack of real interest on him and his ordeals. Still, he would just shrug it off saying "It doesn't matter Vivian". I would be fighting him, why he would keep solving the problems or believing in people that constantly let him down. "It doesn't matter, I will help if I can.".
Yes, in that he was better than me. I live by the motto that if someone is not with you, then to hell with him or her. But Steve... he was too much of a good soul, too loyal to give his back to all those ungrateful ones who took advantage of his good heart and willingness to give all he had in so many ways. I do acknowledge some real friends he had through life, most from Dulces Labios. Johnny, Milton and Feliu, those two stand as true friends to him. There are others I did not really get to meet or know well, and who helped him cope with life, and who made him smile a lot. Some of those I don't know in person were true to him through all his life. His supporting cast and family made his life bearable at least. Vangie and Angela were always his pillars. Unforgettable friends like Miguel and Luis always bring back good memories. Many people went out of their way to make him feel special and keep on with the show... Brenda and Kim come to mind.
And then there are some... that make me beyond angry. Unlike some people claiming to be oh so hurt by his departure, and who found every excuse in the alphabet to stay away from him thanks to their little selfish interests, I was there. Ever since he came into my life I have been there not just with well intended thoughts but with actions and presence. I was there when his foot was amputated in Puerto Rico, a night doctors also thought he would not make it. I was there to hear his screams as his bandages for his amputation where changed daily for over two years. I was there to witness wonder and adventure as he would be our Spelljammer game master for so many years.
He was there through my daughter's terminal illness and demise. He was her godfather, and he never forgot that duty that was actually his pleasure (a duty shared by godmother Maria, who also went above and beyond for my Deedee). Steve and Deedee shared a special connection... Perhaps it was the two kindred spirits living in pain 24/7, trapped by their illness and knowing mysteries unknown to us common folk... His love for Deedee endured through the years even after her departure... especially after it. She would visit him in dreams and let him know she was happy and fine and free of all pain... so he would let me know. Every night he would remind me that she was fine, and free, and waiting for all of us.
Being in Florida was a blessing in disguise because I could get to see him. Yes, my life is very busy. I work over 40 hours weekly, extra hours all around... And I have a 7 year old... And me and my husband have no one to help us with our little lives... But still, one day of the week was sacred. And we would go do the long drive and spend time with Steve. Was it easy? No. We are broke. And over worked. But guess what: That's what friends are for. Best times ever. Precious times.
Steve was my family. We went above and beyond for each other. Even when people expected us to stop being in each others life, after I cancelled our wedding, we persevered. Was it easy? No. But if i have wasted years and years and years on someone, and that someone has done the same, you just don't vanish as if nothing happened. You make it all work. No one knew his mind and his heart like I did. And no one knew me like him. And that's why we knew we could not be a couple, that was not our calling. We were joined to help each other face the world, to battle on in the arena, together. We were part of our own pack. People did not understand this... It is how we lived. Knowing we were never alone no matter the odds and the nonsense. There were many tales and many new tomes to be written... He was there in my wedding. Godfather of my beloved Deedee. Adopted godfather of Kali. His neutral alignment eased by lawfulness. He helped me cope with chaos. His simple ways were not simple at all. Each night Kali would ask for him, to have goodnigt and his blessing. And through hours of insomnia, he would make me fall asleep with the nonsense about aliens, as well as i would make him fall asleep with my nonsense from work. Every night.
Last year Steve had his 1st heart attack. He was in a comma for almost a month. Then he was in a rehab facility for a few weeks. We were there. I was there. Many people promised to be there... not even passed by at any point through the year afterwards. That's why reading some very fake words make me so nauseous and angry. Don't dare to call him friend, or brother, if you were not really part of his life. Fucking internet messages, they mean nothing. Facetime, presence, a real hug, real time... that is what matters. That is what's precious. Yes, I am so angry... Undeserving people getting condolences for someone they ignored all the time. Cry me a river. Liars. Fake. You bring shame into what it means to actually stand by someone.
And so... after that horror story that actually ended up well, the slow demise began. I started questioning the wisdom of so many prayers and so many wishes for him to be with us... His body deteriorated inside. The promise of a new kidney was just that, doctors would just not do that operation as they knew the diabetes was too advanced on him. Then in January his left eye had a problem that seemed to me like he had a mild stroke... He had to keep his eye closed, which caused him unbearable pain, and he could not move his eye. He started taking therapy for that... But then we saw he was loosing balance all the time... could not walk for long or keep himself standing. The last month he just would not want to get off his room... He would not even play Dungeons (which was his ultimate treat and life joy). Still, he would play with Kali and all his figures. He had the will and patience to do that. He always went all the way for Kali, just as he did with Deedee.
This past week, of all weeks, I got very sick... and i could not go to see him as usual. It was not until night that I checked my phone and saw he had called various times throughout the afternoon. I thought "wow, he really wanted to see us, maybe he had prepared a game". But I had work the next day, and it was late, so went to sleep after speaking with him. He had no news, just excited about Sunday when he would go out with the whole family for a family gathering at the beach. "I have nothing new to say, I have done nothing but dialysis... but after the beach I'll have lots to talk about".
Sunday, 6:00pm, I read a text message from his auntie Vangie saying he had a heart attack..He had no pulse and was not breathing. The emergency people resurrected him on the way to the hospital. We went to see him at ER. My heart sank. It's like... you know what is coming. I knew. We went on to see him on Monday as well. No change.
Tuesday, he coded at 11:15. He passed. Then as they stopped working on him he had a faint pulse, faint heartbeat, but the ventilator was breathing for him. I got off work, picked up Kali and we got to the ICU. The doctor was running the last tests. No gag reflex, no movement in the eyes, no pupils dilating with light. Brain dead. The ventilator was off by 4:30pm. His body fought it until 5:20pm. My best friend is dead.
How do I feel? If someone asks that stupid question again I swear I will scream. Well... How do you think I feel? I lost my oldest daughter 5 years ago, and now I loose my other joy in life. I am crying rivers. I am shifting between anger, hate, love, compassion, understanding, acceptance and anger again. I feel my whole world shattered and I see no way of picking things up and constructing again... I am not able to do anything I wished I could do in his memory. So, yeah... Peachy. I feel a deep sting in my heart that is not leaving anytime soon. It is no ones fault. We did not have to speak to know what each other needed or wanted... And sadly we are surrounded by people that ignore all about that... And now it is just a half voice. We could scream and tell the longest tales in silence... Nevermore.
So... My best friend is dead. Again, the word friend is not an adornment, is not a casual adjective... as so many use it. He was there every night for almost 30 years, be it 8pm, or 10pm, or 2am... We had no time boundaries and would just call anytime... And we would meet as soon as possible, in person, in real life. And we would go eat, and we would go to Bell's or to Hobby Lobby, or to the kiddie park next to the river, or to Leoncito to have the best meals ever! And we would go back to sit around the table and play Spelljammer... And life was suddenly alright. Our priceless moments. Our priceless adventures.
Well... Norris the Werebear died befor the Witch, but lived long enough to change her ways and outlook in life.
LONG LIVE NORRIS!
LONG LIVE GROUNDEL THE UGLY!
LONG LIVE MY BEST FRIEND STEVE!
May you begin an endless campaign in Heaven, so Deedee can enjoy your imagination as much as we all have.
May you finally live forever in happiness and peace, but above all, knowing how much we all love you, how much I love you, and knowing from now on it is all about love. magic and dreams coming true.
See you soon. Y no jodas mas. Ok?
