2023 THE OUTER LIMITS

 

Between studying and working time has taken me in a bullet train. Right now I seem to be near the biggest turning point I the past 10 years about who I am and what I do. Life has throuwn many lemons, and the lemonade has been bitter many times, but nevertheless I have resisted, persisted, rebirthed and achieved… on my own. I sorely miss my best friend who is in Heaven… Since Steve’s departure many things have not been the same. I had no idea of how important he was not just in my life but in my family’s life. It has been extremely hard pushing through without his cheerleading 24/7. Deedee's loss was the first impact... the second was Steve... But… here I am. My hubby keeps on being the guardian of everything that holds our family together, and every now and then I remind him who is boss (me of course!)… It is always about Mark, Kali, and me.

It is sad that the support from life-friends wanes and flickers as channels passed by… I love returning to the same shows but the channels are filled with static… On my end those chosen ones are always first place… but I know on their side I am past not present. I try to reach out but the frequency is too different, images are so distorted, and one-sided efforts nulls transmission. I can’t keep on efforts and energy on people who won’t reciprocate. I will always welcome channels that signal for contact, but if the lines stay dead there is not much I can do. Sulkin and fading in the darkness is not my style.

I reached the half-century! The 50th trip around te sun celebration was dull, I could not do what I wanted (a simple visit t Vieques) but I got to go home and visit the mandatory tombs (Deedee, Gladys) and Willie (felt like a goodbye) and mother (felt as usual).

My eye issues landed changes on me that hinted on bad omens but that I have flipped into knowing a different world. I’ve been using an eye patch because of displaced retina on right eye. I am trying using my computer glasses without the patch but reading is extremely tricky, the converse sight clashing with the correct one… I drive short distances but I’m not insane enough to go into a highway… that would be a hazzard.

I discovered audiobooks for studying, so when I thought I had to stop I discovered I could do anything. I’m finally one class away from finishing “textbook courses” and completing Internship so I graduate. I will get my Master in Clinical Counseling in June 2024, if the plan keeps rolling. It has been true labor since starting in 2019… going through operations, elder caregiving, and job constraints. Just one more year… I will attempt to take my National Certification Examination in October this year. And I just joined the Omega Nu Lambda National Honor Society for Belleview University as my grades have been beyond excellent, as always.

I should be an official graduate Clinical Counseling Intern by August 2024, when I hope to finally be able to start my new career, leaving behind all my years in the Information Technology area. I KNOW I REALLY look forward to that moment. I should not have studied Business, but either Psychology or Art… I am good with computers, but in the core it has always been about human expression and freeing the mind. I know it will be hard work, especially facing so much stigma because I am Puertorrican. Life in Mainland, USA has been a constant fight because I have been constantly judged by my roots and what everyone perceives from it. I know how power and privilege works because I have experienced the pressures and assumptions from the white baseline. It was horrible in TN, it was bad in NJ, and it gets very appalling and unexpected in FL. Because I have a strong accent people assume I don’t know English. Over the phone, people assume they are calling outside the US… The uprising of people just being entitled and extremely ignorant has been hard to endure… And, ageism is real. People have to get in the boat, 50 is the new 25. Here I am!

So, this has been the highlights from the past few years:

·        2019 Did a one year temporary assignment at Disney Plus phone guest service. That was a welcomed change of pace, but hours created havoc. I was back to Group Reservations on 2020, still there. The fixed schedule has allowed me to study.

·        Had to take a leave at end of December 2020 s my Great Aunt was alone in a hospital, because of dementia. I went home, helped her get stronger and out of the hospital. Then helped her being able to sit, so I could bring her with me to Florida. She was able to see Cinderella’s Castle a second time (first was in 1987)… one last time. She recognized me for 2 minutes.

·        My Great Aunt Gladys passed away in June 2021 at age 97. I’m glad I was able to bring a last smile to her before she went away. All I am, I owe to her, and Willie. She was the epitome of what being a mother is.

·        By August 2021 I had to get some laser treatment because of an avalanche of floaters in my right eye. After the 3^rd treatment I got sick, and while coughing I had a hemorrhage that displaced my retina. I could see nothing with my right eye. I had to wear an eyepatch to read with my left eye. Had an operation by December, then a cataract operation in March… It is certain that vision will be bad in my right eye, accepting that norm. I do have quite of an eyepatch collection! I try using just the computer glasses now, but I notice I close my eye to compensate, so… depending on what I’m doing I wear the eyepatch. Fighting double vision gets tiresome… but a crappy eye won’t define me. Found solutions and have been moving on.

·        2023: Finally found a site to do my Practicum. I’m hoping this works out to do at least one Internship there as well. I don’t know if I will need to get a second site to comply with specific program requisites but I’ll get there when I cross this first bridge. Now in Summer I’m taking Advanced Counseling and completing Practicum. In Fall I will have the last course, Careers Counseling, and first Internship. Second and third Internship will be in Winter and Spring.

If I look tired… is because I am! But I will complete this. I have another half-century ahead of me where I will do what I am meant to do: Art, Roleplay, Travel and help change the world one person at a time. Everything I have endured through losses and rebirths have led me to this moment in time: The Outer Limits.   

WHAT'S NEW IS OLD

Update before Thanksgiving… Well, the list go like this:

• September 11: Operation taking out fibroid and uterus
• Medical leave of 6 weeks due to recuperation from the operation
• October 21: Short trip to PR, arranged for auntie’s roof fixing
• Back to work, trying to hold on to hope of getting callback from interviews…
• Got a call from the Autism Center. Excited about that job change prospect!
• And $6,000 later, Auntie’s roof is finally fixed! That’s the happy news. Sad, back to being broke.
• November 1: Got the operation bill… Not pretty.
• Hubby was moved from Volcano to Islands while Volcano is closed… Good, he was not fired! Bad, only works 2 days a week…
• My paycheck has been small the last 3 weeks because of retroactive medical insurance payment, not good at all.
• Bills piling up, behind in power and behind in phone. Trying to figure out how to pay it all.
• Exercise… back little by little. Air-walk 45 minutes every other day. Slow but certain.
• Nov 17: I added another class to see if I can manage 2 this time, I need to start doing that to try finishing the Master by Spring 2022. So, for Winter 2020 it will be Diagnosis and Marriage/Family Counseling.
• Nov 18 May need to quit FAC before starting… Still mixed feelings, still feeling I should say f@%k it and just do it.

I’m deeply depressed. Not getting a callback from any of the interviews in Puerto Rico… Gladys had a fall 2 weeks ago… I may be forced to decline FAC because how we will survive December and January? The usual missing Deedee and missing Steve… No friends looking for us, feeling so alone… Having to smile and just bear with it all. I feel cornered…

I am at the river bend, deciding if I stay at Disney or if I go to FAC. I want to make the change, I was extremely happy and hopeful for the change… But the timing stinks. Our finances depend on me until February… Going to FAC I’ll officially start getting payment on Dec 31^st. It is a big risk, we have no savings, nothing to back us up…. Should I stay or should I go…

Staying as I am would mean one more year of this… One more year… of unhappy, stressed, highly anxious… I looked forward to change… Good change… But once more, others come first. Duty, responsibility, suck it up and go on. Feels like so much effort is for nothing. I feel no matter what I do… my wishes are not to come true.

 “The choices are your and your alone”… I want to stay in PR… no job. Here I have a job, unhappy… Or here I can finally start a new job, uncertain… Studies? More loans versus Disney paying… Choice, choices… Rent and old bills... It doesn’t feel like I have a choice at all. Not my moment. 

When will it ever be my moment?

 

 

UPDATE 101

In 2019 I began a new master's degree: Mental Health (Clinical) Counseling. It has been a somewhat slow progress since I can only take 1 class at a time because of work... But you can bet it is slow but certain. So far, I've taken these courses:

Residency 1
MCC 501 Helping Relationships & Orientation to Counseling Profession
MCC 502 Introduction to Counseling Theories
MCC 503 Statistics & Quantitative Research Methods
MCC 504 Qualitative Research Methods & Program Evaluation
MCC 530 Ethical, legal & Professional Issues (current class)
MCC 540 Human Development Through the Lifespan

CURRENT GPA 3.77 with 31% of the program completed so far. Woohoo!

I am very psycho about having A's because after finishing this I want to apply to the University of Florida to complete a PhD in Art Therapy. They do this in Tallahassee, FL. That journey will be very interesting... but baby steps. Right now I have to keep focus on the classes before taking the Practicum and Internships. Those will be interesting... as they take time beyond what I have. I know that work/ study balance will then lean towards just study... Hopefully by then I can get paid internships... We will see.
All in all, I foresee one more year os studying (theory). I expect to finsih all theory by Winter of 2021. Disney has been paying for my degree.

So... I'm still at Disney Groups Reservations. Not the best for me, I guess that not the worst. I've been work at home before the pandemic, and my leader is right, this is the best option if I'm studying. I just have to "suck it up" for now, until I can finish my degree and work in what I really really want.

Still living at the same ghetto apartment... And will be so until we can get a house. That is another goal in target. Hubby has been 2 years with Universal, and is cleaning up his slate to see if we can do something about it. Still in the horizon, but... Slow but certain.

I also began my Sporty Spice alter ego journey. Exercising for a month now. I don't see visual results, but from not being able to complete 5 minutes of walk I am at a steady 20 minutes of normal walking/walking fast. So there is a change after all. Hoping to get in shape so sugar is completely controlled and doctors stop harassing me.

Depression... Ongoing. What can i say. I feel sad all the time. I miss Deedee. I miss Steve. I hate not being able to take care of Gladys. I hate being here and not in Puerto Rico. I don't like not being close to the beach, not going to my beloved lighthouse and not being able to hug Willie, Gladys and friends. I have no close friends beyond Maria and Alex... and I do not talk to them as regularly as I wish... I just don't feel calling. And no one calls me. So... I miss my daily talks with Steve... Our weekend outings/adventures. Steve's death made my whole world blow up, since it was all being glued by duck tape since Deedee's death. I know what I have to do... I do it. But I feel... empty.

"Keep believing, keep pretending"

 

WAYFINDING

I am lost in a sea of doubt and confussion, despair and doubt. I know who I am, but who I am is not important any longer. I know I must transform, but change is not directly in my hands because of the daily rat race that leads nowhere and is a circle in itself. I need to find a way to get the teaching courses and the media specialist certification so I can try to move that way. I know that just working in a business wont make me happy. My calling is elsewhere. I felt at home with assistive technology, and love that area, but the journey to be taken seriously in that niche is way too long right now. Maybe the start of it all could be simply the media specialist... Maybe.

I need to keep focus and just settle in the rat race not quitting. We should get the opportunity to have studies paid... any studies. And I should take advantage of that. When the time comes, submit to get the teaching credentials and the media specialist credentials. This should be a 2 year journey if it happens... not bad thinking I've been just looking for answers for 5 years now.

So... Stay as you are. Get enrolled. Get financial help to complete courses I need. And then make it so. That is the plan. I just hope I can accomplish it. I just hope I can stand the pressure... I am so tired of being on the phones, and of getting sick all the time. I dont have any other options left... Ad I know this is the last call to get into the big boat of dreams...

  

My Best Friend Died

My best friend died. Let those words sink into your thick skull. Not someone I casually knew. Not someone who would just like my posts. Not someone who would just smile at me at work but in reality know nothing of my life. Not so-called family that just mean well but has no depths of insight or understanding about what I want in life. My best friend died.

It's been years since I have actually updated my blogs or any online presence, because all I do is work. Work, work, work. I don't have lots of friends. I am very choosy, fickle and selective before I call someone like that. And then some. Life has shown me that no matter the years, people do not value childhood oaths. Yes, the Code of Thundera: Justice, Truth, Honor and Loyalty. and for whoever doesn't know:

It is the duty of the ThunderCats to uphold the code of Thundera.
1. Truth: To speak the truth at all times
2. Loyalty: To be loyal to family and friends
3. Honor: To honor and respect superiors
4. Justice: To strive to help others and fairness in all acts that are committed that is good

I was in 7th grade when I started collecting comics. The life lessons of the Xmen, The Justice League, GIJoe, Mazinger, Thundercats and Candy candy shaped my so called view of what is a friend, what is important in life (not quite what Conan said), and what it means to really live. The Code of Thundera for some reason had the right resonnance in my mind and in my heart. It sums up all rug of love. So it is my code. I had best friends, not knowing the deep meaning of what that implied... Well, more like they did not want to comply with the meaning of the code. Through the years, fickle whims made them all drift away. Of course I thought it was me, being that I was always blunt and hot headed and stubborn in my ways. No. Years later, I look back at who I was back in high school and college, and one thing is very certain: i was always true to myself. I loved without boundaries, and I was loyal beyond the end. People just could not handle truth. They handle anything but the truth. That has been my life lesson... good intentions but no willingness to handle the truth and live with honor, justice and loyalty.

Someone that you dare to call a friend should be someone who is there through the good, the bad and the ugly. There will be fights that mimic the wrath of the gods. But there will be adventure and conquest. There will be times of extreme darkness, then there will be moments where the ring that rules them all gets destroyed and dear old giant eagles save the hobbits. A friend will not let a petty quarrel or difference of opinion stray away years of caring and shared experiences. A friend will know when opinions are just wounded pride, and will come up to you, just give you a hug (or give you a small Totoro figurine without saying anything else) and let the story go on...

We all know many people. Not everyone deserves the high honor of being a friend. A friend is forever. 

I always come back to my favorite book, The Little Prince. You are responsible for what you have tamed. Forever. No matter what. Through hellfire and icy storms. Throughout the planes of existence. No matter what. Yes, the Code of Thundera is everywhere and is very real.

In 11th grade my life changed forever just because of a small detail that would be a high drive just for keeping a breath of life. It was then that I joined a group of adventurers and I learned the ropes of Advanced Dungeons & Dragons, 2nd edition. The game that forged real life unions that went beyond fantasy and became epic realities. It was during those games that the most important people in my life came to me. There I met who would many, many, many years later (many as on 20 years later) would become my husband Mark. It was there where I met my twin soulmate Alex. And it was there that I met my partner in crime, my rock, my familiar... Steve. These three are the creme of the creme, the ones I would die for without flinching or thinking twice. They all follow the Code of Thundera. They all know who I am, and like it. They have known truth from my mouth, have been burned by it, they have known my naivete and endless hope... And they saw beauty on it. These three are my rocks. These three are my life. These three make me look forward to the unknown adventures that lay ahead. 

Steve. A kind soul wrapped up as a hulking nightmare. Sometimes his mind too blurred by anger and stubborness... I always viewed him as Hulk. Always battling his inner monster. Always showing the most unexpected kindness just because. Loved by cats and kids. Always searching for something... that he had all along. His illness took his bocy little by little, but not his soul. In spite of it all, he actually turned better. Instead of sulking, he chose to be his best and help everyone who needed help. Selfless, always putting himself, his inconveniences, his discomfort and his pains last. People and so called friends/acquaintances would keep hurting him with their lack of empathy or lack of presence or lack of real interest on him and his ordeals. Still, he would just shrug it off saying "It doesn't matter Vivian". I would be fighting him, why he would keep solving the problems or believing in people that constantly let him down. "It doesn't matter, I will help if I can.". 

Yes, in that he was better than me. I live by the motto that if someone is not with you, then to hell with him or her. But Steve... he was too much of a good soul, too loyal to give his back to all those ungrateful ones who took advantage of his good heart and willingness to give all he had in so many ways. I do acknowledge some real friends he had through life, most from Dulces Labios. Johnny, Milton and Feliu, those two stand as true friends to him. There are others I did not really get to meet or know well, and who helped him cope with life, and who made him smile a lot. Some of those I don't know in person were true to him through all his life. His supporting cast and family made his life bearable at least. Vangie and Angela were always his pillars. Unforgettable friends like Miguel and Luis always bring back good memories. Many people went out of their way to make him feel special and keep on with the show... Brenda and Kim come to mind.     

And then there are some... that make me beyond angry. Unlike some people claiming to be oh so hurt by his departure, and who found every excuse in the alphabet to stay away from him thanks to their little selfish interests, I was there. Ever since he came into my life I have been there not just with well intended thoughts but with actions and presence. I was there when his foot was amputated in Puerto Rico, a night doctors also thought he would not make it. I was there to hear his screams as his bandages for his amputation where changed daily for over two years. I was there to witness wonder and adventure as he would be our Spelljammer game master for so many years. 

He was there through my daughter's terminal illness and demise. He was her godfather, and he never forgot that duty that was actually his pleasure (a duty shared by godmother Maria, who also went above and beyond for my Deedee). Steve and Deedee shared a special connection... Perhaps it was the two kindred spirits living in pain 24/7, trapped by their illness and knowing mysteries unknown to us common folk... His love for Deedee endured through the years even after her departure... especially after it. She would visit him in dreams and let him know she was happy and fine and free of all pain... so he would let me know. Every night he would remind me that she was fine, and free, and waiting for all of us.

Being in Florida was a blessing in disguise because I could get to see him. Yes, my life is very busy. I work over 40 hours weekly, extra hours all around... And I have a 7 year old... And me and my husband have no one to help us with our little lives... But still, one day of the week was sacred. And we would go do the long drive and spend time with Steve. Was it easy? No. We are broke. And over worked. But guess what: That's what friends are for. Best times ever. Precious times.

Steve was my family. We went above and beyond for each other. Even when people expected us to stop being in each others life, after I cancelled our wedding, we persevered. Was it easy? No. But if i have wasted years and years and years on someone, and that someone has done the same, you just don't vanish as if nothing happened. You make it all work. No one knew his mind and his heart like I did. And no one knew me like him. And that's why we knew we could not be a couple, that was not our calling. We were joined to help each other face the world, to battle on in the arena, together. We were part of our own pack. People did not understand this... It is how we lived. Knowing we were never alone no matter the odds and the nonsense. There were many tales and many new tomes to be written... He was there in my wedding. Godfather of my beloved Deedee. Adopted godfather of Kali. His neutral alignment eased by lawfulness. He helped me cope with chaos. His simple ways were not simple at all. Each night Kali would ask for him, to have goodnigt and his blessing. And through hours of insomnia, he would make me fall asleep with the nonsense about aliens, as well as i would make him fall asleep with my nonsense from work. Every night. 

Last year Steve had his 1st heart attack. He was in a comma for almost a month. Then he was in a rehab facility for a few weeks. We were there. I was there. Many people promised to be there... not even passed by at any point through the year afterwards. That's why reading some very fake words make me so nauseous and angry. Don't dare to call him friend, or brother, if you were not really part of his life. Fucking internet messages, they mean nothing. Facetime, presence, a real hug, real time... that is what matters. That is what's precious. Yes, I am so angry... Undeserving people getting condolences for someone they ignored all the time. Cry me a river. Liars. Fake. You bring shame into what it means to actually stand by someone. 

And so... after that horror story that actually ended up well, the slow demise began. I started questioning the wisdom of so many prayers and so many wishes for him to be with us... His body deteriorated inside. The promise of a new kidney was just that, doctors would just not do that operation as they knew the diabetes was too advanced on him. Then in January his left eye had a problem that seemed to me like he had a mild stroke... He had to keep his eye closed, which caused him unbearable pain, and he could not move his eye. He started taking therapy for that... But then we saw he was loosing balance all the time... could not walk for long or keep himself standing. The last month he just would not want to get off his room... He would not even play Dungeons (which was his ultimate treat and life joy). Still, he would play with Kali and all his figures. He had the will and patience to do that. He always went all the way for Kali, just as he did with Deedee. 

This past week, of all weeks, I got very sick... and i could not go to see him as usual. It was not until night that I checked my phone and saw he had called various times throughout the afternoon. I thought "wow, he really wanted to see us, maybe he had prepared a game". But I had work the next day, and it was late, so went to sleep after speaking with him. He had no news, just excited about Sunday when he would go out with the whole family for a family gathering at the beach. "I have nothing new to say, I have done nothing but dialysis... but after the beach I'll have lots to talk about". 

Sunday, 6:00pm, I read a text message from his auntie Vangie saying he had a heart attack..He had no pulse and was not breathing. The emergency people resurrected him on the way to the hospital. We went to see him at ER. My heart sank. It's like... you know what is coming. I knew. We went on to see him on Monday as well. No change. 

Tuesday, he coded at 11:15. He passed. Then as they stopped working on him he had a faint pulse, faint heartbeat, but the ventilator was breathing for him. I got off work, picked up Kali and we got to the ICU. The doctor was running the last tests. No gag reflex, no movement in the eyes, no pupils dilating with light. Brain dead. The ventilator was off by 4:30pm. His body fought it until 5:20pm. My best friend is dead.

How do I feel? If someone asks that stupid question again I swear I will scream. Well... How do you think I feel? I lost my oldest daughter 5 years ago, and now I loose my other joy in life. I am crying rivers. I am shifting between anger, hate, love, compassion, understanding, acceptance and anger again. I feel my whole world shattered and I see no way of picking things up and constructing again... I am not able to do anything I wished I could do in his memory. So, yeah... Peachy. I feel a deep sting in my heart that is not leaving anytime soon. It is no ones fault. We did not have to speak to know what each other needed or wanted... And sadly we are surrounded by people that ignore all about that... And now it is just a half voice. We could scream and tell the longest tales in silence... Nevermore.

So... My best friend is dead. Again, the word friend is not an adornment, is not a casual adjective... as so many use it. He was there every night for almost 30 years, be it 8pm, or 10pm, or 2am... We had no time boundaries and would just call anytime... And we would meet as soon as possible, in person, in real life. And we would go eat, and we would go to Bell's or to Hobby Lobby, or to the kiddie park next to the river, or to Leoncito to have the best meals ever! And we would go back to sit around the table and play Spelljammer... And life was suddenly alright. Our priceless moments. Our priceless adventures. 

Well... Norris the Werebear died befor the Witch, but lived long enough to change her ways and outlook in life. 

LONG LIVE NORRIS! 

LONG LIVE GROUNDEL THE UGLY!             

LONG LIVE MY BEST FRIEND STEVE!

May you begin an endless campaign in Heaven, so Deedee can enjoy your imagination as much as we all have.

May you finally live forever in happiness and peace, but above all, knowing how much we all love you, how much I love you, and knowing from now on it is all about love. magic and dreams coming true.

See you soon. Y no jodas mas. Ok?

New Disney Journey in December!

So... I accepted becoming part of the Groups Team becoming a Groups Specialist. Training begins in December 3, 2017. I have high hopes about this change, mainly that I will gain experience in the reservations area and the systems that are used. Like any change, this is exciting, scary, thrilling, unnerving, much-looked-forward-to. I am happy I was selected from the bench, as I know others were also eagerly waiting. It is the end of the ecommerce era for me... Cheers to a new beginning!

Cero a la izquierda

What's the point. I think thing are well enough... because of the half full theory. In reality it is all what it is because there's only one stupid botch that works all the time and believes in ducking rainbows at the end of the tunel...

Fucking rainbows.

I am beyond pissed because things that are mine should be added to the list of things I should know about. It angers me not knowing anything of something important... that adds more to the now never-ending ducking list of bills... It angers me, because if it is so easy to be quiet about something like that, what else I don't know.

I hate my life. I hate it, despise it. I hate I have no one to take away all the strain, all the pain, all the disappointment.

I hate.