I did not write about it... It has been the most horrible experience in my whole life. All this time I've been waiting to wake up from what became a real life nightmare. My 5 year old daughter died in October 22, 2012. Life stopped. My world crumbled down. Nothing else mattered. As I realized the imminent truth, my heart broke beyond repair... These past weeks have been a long walk through a dessert of starless nights and cold fog... Everything that was certain faded away.
I thought I would be ready for that... but I wasn't. I expected to have my Deirdre for at least 10 years. I expected to see her K graduation... and to watch her amaze people with all her skills... I expected to race behind her as she enjoyed her powered wheelchair... I expected to enjoy her eyes as they would have been so big while meeting Pocahontas and Mulan at her Make a Wish tour... which did not get to happen...
This has been a big hit on me... on my small family. We feel grief that cannot be lifted, and although we are trying our best to move on... it is there... and we know it will always be there until we all get together again.
We moved from NJ to PR to bury her, and to seek shelter in our families... Things did not went as planned... And although we hated doing it, we decided to move to Florida. Right now we are in Wesley Chapel, thanks to the extreme kindness of a dear friend and her family. We cannot begin to express our gratitude... We needed to at least surround ourselves with a positive environment.
So... Wesley Chapel, FL has become our HQ for a new beginning. I am job hunting, and hopefully will get to start earning experience within the Education area. I want to start as instructional assistant for exceptional students (special needs now get that codename... which makes me happy, as they are truly exceptional). I hope to apply all that I learned through Deedee... during her home-bound education, as her personal assistive tech professional, as her therapist, as her caregiver, and as her mom. And once me & my hubby secure the simple jobs we will hunt down for a lair to raise our 2 year old cub... Hopefully the plan will have results soon. I don't want to abuse the kindness of our hosts.
I also will start over with the MET-SLMS (which I had quitted in October). I hope to get a provisional teaching certificate, a librarian certification in a year, complete the Master in Education Technologies and then the Doctorate in Distance Learning for Special Ed kids (focused on home-bound).
Everything that happens has a purpose... I just keep on being angry at the fact that Dee is not here... and she had so many possibilities... That is selfish me talking. She was not in deep pain, she was soaring... and a cure is so near... I am angry at the fact she did not get that chance to be there to try treatments or cure. I am angry at the people that did not see her as she truly was... because they chose not to. I know she is
free of everything now, and doing important things, and smiling and being happy... I just wish for her because I miss her so much, and it is all just plain unfair... I don't understand... But it all is what it is... I can only hope that we all keep living based on the standards we developed thanks to my beloved Dee... and that she walks at our side as our guardian angel... and smiles.
This year, 2013... is a year or renewal... of fulfilling promises... of believing in angels.
