It seems that each time that I write in this blog a year has passed by... That is not intentional, and my love for writing has not faded... Too many changes, too many things standing between my now and my "where I want to be".
The story so far...
2013 was not nice. It was a year of being kicked over and over and over after surviving our horrible 2012... I am glad to say we survived yet again. I am just not certain of why things have to be this way, especially when all we want to do is live meaningful lives and make a difference.
JANUARY 2013
We moved from Puerto Rico to Florida. Thanks to a friend, we made that difficult transition. She opened her home for almost a month. We are forever grateful for her help in taking the plunge to start anew. It was a very difficult time, with plenty of family drama and conflict, and we had no choice but to carry on. Nothing that we had planned worked out. Interviews did not generate call backs... I am sad and shaken by some events that spinned-off from this, as I am a crystal-clear person who believes in truth and integrity. Still, I try to focus on the fact that although we were perfect strangers they helped us steer our boat into a more focused direction. For that, we are forever in your debt.
FEBRUARY 2013
We moved to Kissimmee, FL. A fellow Puertorican family whose kid also has SMA took us in to help us grow some roots. We are forever thankful for the Hernandez Family. They were not our friends, just acquaintances, yet they opened their home to us for almost 4 months. We would have been on the street if not for their kindness. We will never forget this. We know how difficult is having visiting cousins in your house, now imagine a family of strangers! Nevertheless, they help us stand. The world of SMA connected us to people that have become closer than family, that are passionate and true. And we all have a simple silent code of a very special understanding... We are forever in your debt.
MAY 2013
The Clerk of Court fiasco. I got interviewed, and hired, at the Kissimmee Clerk of Court. The perfect IT job to compliment my career expertise. I started, everything looked excellent, I was learning their system, and then 4 days latter I was fired because I could not lift a laser printer. As simple as that. During that same week I had two job offers but had not called back to decline them yet... They were not IT related, but I was quite thankful that I had not declined them. I did the final calls and I finally got a job. It was not the best, but at least it helped to bring back my resume and to introduce me back to the real world... if this is real...
I started working at Home Depot as a greeter. It all seemed fine and dandy, but the amount of weekly hours did not help our little family much. As the only one working, 9 to 12 hours a week in minimum wage doesn't really help a family of three.
We realized we would still have to go through a long wait until we could stand on our own, and we could not keep on living with our benefactors. Our stay had been extended for too long. We made the contacts to solve that. At the end of the month we were taken into the Coalition for the Homeless in Orlando. We hoped that being in the "system" would help us get the help that we needed.
For the next months, juggling the scheduled obligatory voluntary chores and the weird job schedules plus continuous job hunt mostly was the bread and butter of the day. Both Mark and me took all the library courses that we could to have something recent in our resume profiles, and we constantly sent out our resumes. So many jobs, right? I diligently placed at least 10 requests per day on my bad days... No replies.
AUGUST 2013
By the middle of August, Mark finally got a job offer. Thanks to this, we qualified into a program that helps struggling families. The program helped us get out of the homeless shelter and into an apartment.
SEPTEMBER 2013
We moved into the apartment at the end of September. I was interviewed by Disney that same week. Then I got the happiest call on Earth also by the end of September: I was hired by Disney in their ecommerce branch.
OCTOBER 2013
I began training in ecommerce, started working 40+ hours right away, Mark kept on working, and Kali was doing good at the school's head start. It was also the big one year mark from Deedee... her first year away from us. Bittersweet October... I am convinced that she was the one behind my getting a job at Disney. She wanted me to be surrounded by all she liked... by her lovely self... A lovely thought that patched up the pieces of my heart enough to allow my body to go on with the show. Patching up something that can never be repaired is quite daunting... Nothing left to do but take it all one day at a time...
And so, 2013 ended. We were glad about it... It was a year in which we tried rising from our ashes... very unsuccessfully. It is true that if we had stay in Puerto Rico it would have been worst as there are no jobs for us over there... The bad move was leaving everything in New Jersey. we should have stayed there. But... we were not thinking, period. We were not ready for our daughter's death. We just did not think at all... We lost everything. Moving to Florida was a test, but we had nothing to loose. We had already lost everything. The hard part has been waking up every morning knowing that our Deedee is not there anymore... The hard part has been getting out of bed, getting ready, going to work and having to smile and act as if everything were fine... because nothing is fine. Day by day, night by night... the most daunting task is simply to have a will to go on.
And so, 2014 arrived. I have been blessed with a job that needs me for more than 40 hours, so at least I am making certain that my little family keeps the roof over our heads. But the struggles keep on...
FEBRUARY 2014
Someone gets in our apartment and steals our electronics: Our 2 laptops, a Playstation 3, our spare Hard Disk... This drove us over our edge. All of our pictures and videos of Deedee were in that hard disk. That hard disk literally had our life. It was priceless. It was all that was left of our Golden Years. And now, even that was taken away...
To place a cherry at the top of the sundae, mark lost his job at the end of the month. So, the whole fate of our family goes over my shoulders once more.
AUGUST 2014
I took some vacation time. My best friend pay my trip to Puerto Rico so I could visit Deedee's tomb. I finally was able to put there the flowers that she liked... It was all I could do... This brings me a smile to my face, but still I have the thought in the back of my head: "It is all wrong. I should not be bringing you flowers, you should be alive with us...". The anger and the pain and the silent despair doesn't go away, and it doesn't stop being strong. I love my dear Deedee... And I miss her every single second.
SEPTEMBER 2014
About to celebrate my 1st Anniversary working at Disney! And soon about to celebrate my daughter's 2nd year since she passed away. Duality always goes hand in hand... Bittersweet. That is the word that describes my life. Bittersweet and duality. And... the show must go on.
Here we are.
At the end of September, here I stand... I look up into the sky, to find the brightest star so I find guidance. And there she is, my amazing bright star... shining on us... shining on me. The pain fills me with tears of anger, with unanswered questions, with endless rage. Yet, my dear angel shines on me... trying her best to soothe my spirit, to patch up the bleeding wounds. Her smile, my smile. Her existence my existence. Her silence, my silence... I don't understand why she had to go. I don't understand why, after all our efforts, all of our love was not enough to make her stay. I don't understand if God is just and merciful, why he let this happen... all of this. I don't understand why life makes it so hard for the good people to win but allows evil to prevail unpunished. I don't understand... So many things I don't understand...
My life was taken away the day my little warrior princess exhaled a last breath. She gave me sound purpose, and I gave it all to find a way to make her life whole. I gave it all. I want to honor her memory and do so many meaningful things... yet I am stuck in a mundane life that serves the only purpose of keeping a roof and paying bills. Stuck with the feeling that although it was not my fault, it will always be my fault. Nothing has the same luster. Nothing has the same value or feel. Everything is changed so deeply, beyond explanations... And yet I must stand, and smile, and be an amazing crowd pleaser. Who cares if my heart is breaking every step of the way...
End of September... One year, eleven months and seven days that we walk without holding her hand, or hearing her voice, or gaze into your lovely eyes... Too much time away from real Heaven. Loving her so much, missing her so much... Impatiently waiting until the day I can hold her in my arms again, forever.
In the meantime... trying to find answers, trying to find the colors of the rainbow, trying to breathe once more...
