WHAT'S NEW IS OLD

Update before Thanksgiving… Well, the list go like this:

• September 11: Operation taking out fibroid and uterus
• Medical leave of 6 weeks due to recuperation from the operation
• October 21: Short trip to PR, arranged for auntie’s roof fixing
• Back to work, trying to hold on to hope of getting callback from interviews…
• Got a call from the Autism Center. Excited about that job change prospect!
• And $6,000 later, Auntie’s roof is finally fixed! That’s the happy news. Sad, back to being broke.
• November 1: Got the operation bill… Not pretty.
• Hubby was moved from Volcano to Islands while Volcano is closed… Good, he was not fired! Bad, only works 2 days a week…
• My paycheck has been small the last 3 weeks because of retroactive medical insurance payment, not good at all.
• Bills piling up, behind in power and behind in phone. Trying to figure out how to pay it all.
• Exercise… back little by little. Air-walk 45 minutes every other day. Slow but certain.
• Nov 17: I added another class to see if I can manage 2 this time, I need to start doing that to try finishing the Master by Spring 2022. So, for Winter 2020 it will be Diagnosis and Marriage/Family Counseling.
• Nov 18 May need to quit FAC before starting… Still mixed feelings, still feeling I should say f@%k it and just do it.

I’m deeply depressed. Not getting a callback from any of the interviews in Puerto Rico… Gladys had a fall 2 weeks ago… I may be forced to decline FAC because how we will survive December and January? The usual missing Deedee and missing Steve… No friends looking for us, feeling so alone… Having to smile and just bear with it all. I feel cornered…

I am at the river bend, deciding if I stay at Disney or if I go to FAC. I want to make the change, I was extremely happy and hopeful for the change… But the timing stinks. Our finances depend on me until February… Going to FAC I’ll officially start getting payment on Dec 31^st. It is a big risk, we have no savings, nothing to back us up…. Should I stay or should I go…

Staying as I am would mean one more year of this… One more year… of unhappy, stressed, highly anxious… I looked forward to change… Good change… But once more, others come first. Duty, responsibility, suck it up and go on. Feels like so much effort is for nothing. I feel no matter what I do… my wishes are not to come true.

 “The choices are your and your alone”… I want to stay in PR… no job. Here I have a job, unhappy… Or here I can finally start a new job, uncertain… Studies? More loans versus Disney paying… Choice, choices… Rent and old bills... It doesn’t feel like I have a choice at all. Not my moment. 

When will it ever be my moment?

 

 

UPDATE 101

In 2019 I began a new master's degree: Mental Health (Clinical) Counseling. It has been a somewhat slow progress since I can only take 1 class at a time because of work... But you can bet it is slow but certain. So far, I've taken these courses:

Residency 1
MCC 501 Helping Relationships & Orientation to Counseling Profession
MCC 502 Introduction to Counseling Theories
MCC 503 Statistics & Quantitative Research Methods
MCC 504 Qualitative Research Methods & Program Evaluation
MCC 530 Ethical, legal & Professional Issues (current class)
MCC 540 Human Development Through the Lifespan

CURRENT GPA 3.77 with 31% of the program completed so far. Woohoo!

I am very psycho about having A's because after finishing this I want to apply to the University of Florida to complete a PhD in Art Therapy. They do this in Tallahassee, FL. That journey will be very interesting... but baby steps. Right now I have to keep focus on the classes before taking the Practicum and Internships. Those will be interesting... as they take time beyond what I have. I know that work/ study balance will then lean towards just study... Hopefully by then I can get paid internships... We will see.
All in all, I foresee one more year os studying (theory). I expect to finsih all theory by Winter of 2021. Disney has been paying for my degree.

So... I'm still at Disney Groups Reservations. Not the best for me, I guess that not the worst. I've been work at home before the pandemic, and my leader is right, this is the best option if I'm studying. I just have to "suck it up" for now, until I can finish my degree and work in what I really really want.

Still living at the same ghetto apartment... And will be so until we can get a house. That is another goal in target. Hubby has been 2 years with Universal, and is cleaning up his slate to see if we can do something about it. Still in the horizon, but... Slow but certain.

I also began my Sporty Spice alter ego journey. Exercising for a month now. I don't see visual results, but from not being able to complete 5 minutes of walk I am at a steady 20 minutes of normal walking/walking fast. So there is a change after all. Hoping to get in shape so sugar is completely controlled and doctors stop harassing me.

Depression... Ongoing. What can i say. I feel sad all the time. I miss Deedee. I miss Steve. I hate not being able to take care of Gladys. I hate being here and not in Puerto Rico. I don't like not being close to the beach, not going to my beloved lighthouse and not being able to hug Willie, Gladys and friends. I have no close friends beyond Maria and Alex... and I do not talk to them as regularly as I wish... I just don't feel calling. And no one calls me. So... I miss my daily talks with Steve... Our weekend outings/adventures. Steve's death made my whole world blow up, since it was all being glued by duck tape since Deedee's death. I know what I have to do... I do it. But I feel... empty.

"Keep believing, keep pretending"